Miyerkules, Nobyembre 13, 2013






Dead Duck*

"A chair is still a chair
even there's no one sittin' there.
But a chair is not a house; and 
a house is not a home
when there's no one to hold you tight
and no one there you can kiss goodnight."
                         --House is not a Home

              Can you imagine how lonely one's life is without a home and family?
            Recently, Super Typhoon Yolanda came into the territory of Philippines which left great sufferings within Filipinos. Several people died while others are still missing. I can feel the varied emotions of those affected. Some keep on hoping that they will find their loved ones that were flushed by the gruesome flood and covered by mass of rocks and earth. It's been a week that these are the episodes presented on Philippine TV. While watching, I realized how lucky I am to have a home and family. Yet, it also made me feel that my situation is not that different to theirs.
            No one loves me. Teardrops glide from my eyes while typing this article. I just can't resist the fact that I'm living in a family wherein no one appreciates my worth. I commit mistakes and I can't prevent those to happen. If only I could, then why not? At some point, I see myself as a robot that should be programmable to do everything they want, should be heartless to avoid being affected, and should be perfect all the time. Apparently, it's difficult for me because I can't be myself. But then, I have no choice for I love them. Yes. I love them despite of the idea that they can't love me the way I do. Perhaps, they love me too, especially in the times that they need my help or anything. And let me clarify one thing. I'm not mad and it is not my attitude to drill anger in my heart.
          I can still recall that day---the Deliberation Day of honors ( the day where top ten students of the batch are announced; this is usually done before the Graduation Day). I was the consistent top one in our class for three years, when I was a high school student. I used to pressure myself to strive hard, not for self-indulgence but to satisfy my mom's innumerable expectations. My mom wants nothing but the best from me; and she doesn't want me to disappoint her. Every time I lose the number one spot of the honor roll, she reprimands me and makes me feel that i'm a loser. Then the situation got even worst when I was hailed as salutatorian. After the Deliberation Day of honors, she left the room saying nothing. Probably, she's so disappointed for she wanted me to be Valedictorian and not as Salutatorian. I can't understand why she acted like that. Besides, to graduate as second of the bests is not that bad. At the deepest corner of the campus, I cried. During that time, I prayed and said: " Thank you God for the intelligence you gave yet I'm so sorry for I can't surpass all of these challenges I am facing right now. If I couldn't be happy, then terminate my breath so I won't be a robot forever."
          I came up with this realization for I believed that there was no reason for me to live. No one cares about me. My dad is so busy on other important things and my sibling is still young to be involved on my sentimentality. Withal, my friends do not know me so much. I demarcate their knowledge about me by simply narrating only the jovial stories of my life. Hence, there's no one whom I can count on. I try to smile although the pain is tormenting my heart into pieces. This is because I'm totally fed up on crying. I'm tired to be downcast.
         Somehow, there are still times that she's in good mood. During those, we tend to share jokes as if we're just friends. She says that she loves me so much. However, after a week showered of joy, Medusa will regain her system. That calls for a preparation. I know that she will be harsh on saying things.
       The frequent subsistence of this episode cultivated apathy on me. I learned how to deal with the attitudes exhibited by my mom. I'm just hoping that she can do the same thing. Utilizing these experiences while I am studying yields insuperable courage to move forward and to prove that I am not good-for-nothing.

*Dead Duck- noun. goner, one whose case is hopeless.

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